Writing A Song 101

So there’s this girl you want to woo? And you’re just inspired to write a song? Well good for you! You’re such a player. But you can’t just write anything. It’s gotta be something good.

Here’s something good:
Coldplay: Yellow

Here’s something bad:
Nick Andopolis: Lady L

Here’s how to write YOUR song:
1. Have a good melody. Not great with the guitar? (And note: it must be a guitar. Unless you’re really good with a piano. That’s the only exception. And you must be really good.) Make it simple. Simple is better, anyway. It tricks the girl into thinking you’re cute and quirky. It’s more romantic for some reason. Plus, it’s just weird if you’re like, rocking out to some awesome rift you made up in the middle of your love song.

2. Come up with some clever lyrics. This is so duh, but have at least one memorable line in your song. Lucky you, lines always sound better when sung anyway.

3. Don’t be too needy. Coldplay can pull it off because they’re fucking Coldplay, but don’t be all, I CAN’T LIVE WITH OUT YOUUUUUUU in your song. Focus on how amazing she is. Make it a little personal. Make it all about her.

4. Do not make the focus of the song her name. It’s cheesy and awkward. And a lot of names are hard to rhyme with anyway. Do include her name somewhere, but like, once. Or if you must, in the chorus once is OK too. Sometimes, forgoing a chorus at all is kind of cool too, if it’s a good song.

5. Do not recycle this song with another girl. That’s just messed up. I can’t believe you even considered it, you jerk.

6. Keep it short. No matter how amazing your voice is, a 10 minute song gets awkward to listen to. Remember, she’s kind of just sitting there, and keeping a smile plastered on for more than a few minutes gets tiring. She’ll start to drift and it’ll definitely lessen the effect. She’ll also think you’re kind of a douche for writing such a long song.

******

So there’s this guy that broke your heart? And you need to let it out in an artistically releasing way? Well, sure! Write a song about the asshole. Believe me, it’ll totally make you feel better.
Here’s how to write a sad/angry break up song:

1. Cry a little. You know you want to, so don’t be embarrassed. Make sure the piece of paper you plan to write your lyrics on is out, though. You’ll want it to be all tear stained, because that makes the process more legit.

2. Make sure you’re writing in black ink. That’s what artists use. Don’t use that pink gel pen, even if it smells nice and fruity. You’re mourning here, be a little serious!

3. Doodle artistically in the margins. It’ll compliment the tear stain effect.

4. Come up with some good lines. Be clever about your lyrics, because it’ll show how awesome and smart you are, and isn’t he just a loser for loosing you?! For example, don’t outright say his name. Disguise who exactly you’re talking about, and if you want, maybe even give him, or refer to him with, some embarrassing nickname. Carly Simon did it best with her little song: “You're so vain/ You probably think this song is about you/ You're so vain/ I'll bet you think this song is about you/ Don't you? Don't you?”

5. Don’t think you’re Alanis Morissette. She could pull off the angry “I hate you for life” type stuff, but honestly, it usually just comes off desperate. Be mellow. Slowly release that hate and anger, and you’ll come up with something that sounds a lot better, mature, and normal.

6. Sing it with emotion. That’s what’s going to make or break your song—how much you put into it. So put it all in. He was a sucky boyfriend anyway. ;)