Looking Smart 101

Not everyone can be smart. Some light bulbs just come out of the factory dimmer then the others.

And those are the ones we throw away.

But ANYWAY, it’s fine if you’re not smart. You just need to have OTHER people think you’re smart. Here’s how you do it: (I’ll number it, so you dumb people can follow…)

1. Wear glasses. This is the most obvious thing. Ironically, if you were REALLY smart, you’d have contacts. But for some reason, glasses=smart in this world. I think it’s because of those movies. You know, the ones where the hot girl becomes the HOT girl once she takes off those HIDIOUS glasses. Hmm… on second thought, maybe don’t go for the glasses. They don’t flatter everyone. A good compromise might be reading glasses. Yeah, get reading glasses. They’re like $5 and the drugstore.

2. Carry a copy of Newsweek or Time or The Wallstreet Journal, or some other smart-seeming magazine. Any average Joe can read the newspaper; they write it at the level of 8th graders, after all. But a smarty-pants magazine? That’s special. Shows slightly more effort. It’s like, you don’t get enough CNN, you need to supplement your news with more in-depth stuff. You should get a subscription, and try to flash that little white box to strangers, so they know you “read” (you don’t actually have to read it, silly!) it every week.

3. Get a clean haircut. Something neat and simple. This will make you look more square and boring, but people will assume you are smart as well. Smart people know that presentable people are the ones that get ahead in life. If you’re not smart, but maybe at least cool, don’t be afraid of a dull haircut. Here’s what people will think of you: “Hmm… this person looks… kinda boring…. Wait, did he/she just make a funny joke? I am intrigued!” See? Wow them with your personality and change their first impression. BUT the fact that their first impression was of you being smart, well, that’ll always be subconsciously in their head anyway! WIN-WIN!

4. Use big words and reference obscure things. If you’re around other not-so-smart-people, you can get away with using fake words and references. Using fake words is also easier on you. Be like, “Yes, I agree that his move was completely suausnous! It’s all very Simon Becker of him.” No one will know what you’re talking about, but they’ll be too embarrassed to seem uncultured to call you out on it. If they do, just act incredulous, like, “YOU don’t know who SIMON BECKER is?” And then walk away. People will be stunned with just how smart you are because you are acting like a supreme douche. Smart people are almost always supreme douches.

Good luck wowing them at the next meet-and-greet!