Well, it’s July which means half way to my birthday…. Which means… there’s a bunch of things I want right now, all of which I won’t want by the time it’s actually my birthday. For future reference, here’s my wish list. Some things are easier to get then others.
1. A netbook. Portable laptops just aren’t portable enough are they?! Mine is kind of a monster as far as laptops go, anyway, and something smaller would be nice. Then I’d have like, my phone (baby internet machine), my netbook (momma internet machine), and my laptop (papa internet machine). I could be on Facebook ALL THE TIME! All I’d have to worry about is little girls with golden locks trying to steal them.
2. A trip to Japan. Or anywhere really, but right now, I’m digging Japan. Those cute little Japanese people… aww. I think they must be small to fit on that tiny island of a country! It all makes scientific sense. Ita Daki Masu! Domo Arrigato! Mr. Roboto!
3. A cute apron like this: link to cute apron! How adorable is that?! If I had an apron like that, I’d totally be in the kitchen like ALL THE TIME. Because a lack of an apron is seriously the only reason I never cook.
4. An iPod touch. Just because everyone else has one. And I wanna be cool too!
5. A bouquet of flowers. Everyone deserves flowers once in a while. I’ve gotten then once in my life. And I told the person to buy it for me. FYI: tulips are my favorite!
6. A “Hello my name is…” name tag with the following written on it: “Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
7. The 5 seasons of “The Wire” on DVD. (Even though in a few months everything will be Blu-ray. Damn technology… I can never catch up!)
8. A big, comfortable king size bed. So I can feel cute and petite when I sleep.
9. Some pillows for my king size bed.
10. A room big enough to fit my king size bed.
11. A copy of “Madeline.” because I lost my copy long ago… and it’s pretty much my favorite book ever.
Not everyone can be smart. Some light bulbs just come out of the factory dimmer then the others.
And those are the ones we throw away.
But ANYWAY, it’s fine if you’re not smart. You just need to have OTHER people think you’re smart. Here’s how you do it: (I’ll number it, so you dumb people can follow…)
1. Wear glasses. This is the most obvious thing. Ironically, if you were REALLY smart, you’d have contacts. But for some reason, glasses=smart in this world. I think it’s because of those movies. You know, the ones where the hot girl becomes the HOT girl once she takes off those HIDIOUS glasses. Hmm… on second thought, maybe don’t go for the glasses. They don’t flatter everyone. A good compromise might be reading glasses. Yeah, get reading glasses. They’re like $5 and the drugstore.
2. Carry a copy of Newsweek or Time or The Wallstreet Journal, or some other smart-seeming magazine. Any average Joe can read the newspaper; they write it at the level of 8th graders, after all. But a smarty-pants magazine? That’s special. Shows slightly more effort. It’s like, you don’t get enough CNN, you need to supplement your news with more in-depth stuff. You should get a subscription, and try to flash that little white box to strangers, so they know you “read” (you don’t actually have to read it, silly!) it every week.
3. Get a clean haircut. Something neat and simple. This will make you look more square and boring, but people will assume you are smart as well. Smart people know that presentable people are the ones that get ahead in life. If you’re not smart, but maybe at least cool, don’t be afraid of a dull haircut. Here’s what people will think of you: “Hmm… this person looks… kinda boring…. Wait, did he/she just make a funny joke? I am intrigued!” See? Wow them with your personality and change their first impression. BUT the fact that their first impression was of you being smart, well, that’ll always be subconsciously in their head anyway! WIN-WIN!
4. Use big words and reference obscure things. If you’re around other not-so-smart-people, you can get away with using fake words and references. Using fake words is also easier on you. Be like, “Yes, I agree that his move was completely suausnous! It’s all very Simon Becker of him.” No one will know what you’re talking about, but they’ll be too embarrassed to seem uncultured to call you out on it. If they do, just act incredulous, like, “YOU don’t know who SIMON BECKER is?” And then walk away. People will be stunned with just how smart you are because you are acting like a supreme douche. Smart people are almost always supreme douches.
[I love this picture. Nitpicky-- Dumbledore needs to be taller...]
HBP is what all the cool kids call it. I’m talking about Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, yo. Ok, I guess we’re not the cool kids. We’re the dorky ones. But you know what? We get to dress up in cool costumes on a night that is not Halloween, and can you say you can do that? YEAH that’s what I thought, you poser.
So I went to the Harry Potter premiere last night. I did NOT dress up, in case you were wondering. Unless you were referring to my awesome new shirt and cute jeans.
Let me tell you, never again could I do it. I love me some dorky things, but I’m more of a dork-reading-in-my-room-by-myself kind of gal, not the let’s go to Comic-Con!!! type of person. In other words, I’m anti-social and agoraphobic.
Here are my random, unorganized thoughts on the movie. SPOILER ALERT if you haven’t seen it yet. (WHY haven’t you seen it yet?!):
-Harry Potter is short. Ginny is way too tall for him.
-Speaking of Ginny, sucks to be her with Hermione totally bringing the hotness. Just makes her look so… plain. She’s actually kinda cute-ish, but Hermione is REALLY cute! And I say this as a person that does not even like movie-Hermione.
-My word processor accepts “Hermione” as a real name! That’s awesome!!! I hate those red squiggly lines!
-Draco Malfoy is tall. And thus, HOT. All hot and tall and lanky in his black suit… yum. He’s a little HFFA (hot from far away), because his face just makes him look old, but how picky can I be? Who am I gonna oogle over? RON?!
-Poor Ron. They didn’t even give him lines in the last scene! WTF?! Way to make him seem useless! He’s not THAT dumb and boring! Ugh.
-Cormic McLaggin was pretty cute too.
-Bellatrix is awesome.
-Dumbledore is mediocre, and it’s kind of sad. Too little Dumbledore, too much Malfoy. Too little Pensieve scenes. Too much… I don’t even know? It was kind of a slow movie, huh?
-The movie was seriously fucking my eyes. Visually, I think it is my favorite Harry Potter. All the other ones looked amazing too, but this one was super enjoyable, I think. Maybe I just never appreciated it before. Since the story felt kind of slow, all the suspense (what little there was) came from the camera movements. Kudos on cinematography, as always.
-I don’t know how they could have made the story more interesting, because it followed the book… but something… some emotional connection or fluid storytelling… seemed lacking. It’s an inherent problem of the medium because obviously not everything can be carried over from book to movie, and through that transition, some things just get lost…
-I’m trying so hard not to be nit-picky but certain things like them just leaving Dumbledore’s dead body laying there for, like, forever, bothers me. I understand not having the funeral, but I wish we could have seen the white casket, Faulks burning… etc.
-Totally just remembered, aren’t certain things involving the Elder Wand important to set up at the end of this movie? I’m guessing they’re just going to change a lot of that, but… still.
Here’s how to write YOUR song: 1. Have a good melody. Not great with the guitar? (And note: it must be a guitar. Unless you’re really good with a piano. That’s the only exception. And you must be really good.) Make it simple. Simple is better, anyway. It tricks the girl into thinking you’re cute and quirky. It’s more romantic for some reason. Plus, it’s just weird if you’re like, rocking out to some awesome rift you made up in the middle of your love song.
2. Come up with some clever lyrics. This is so duh, but have at least one memorable line in your song. Lucky you, lines always sound better when sung anyway.
3. Don’t be too needy. Coldplay can pull it off because they’re fucking Coldplay, but don’t be all, I CAN’T LIVE WITH OUT YOUUUUUUU in your song. Focus on how amazing she is. Make it a little personal. Make it all about her.
4. Do not make the focus of the song her name. It’s cheesy and awkward. And a lot of names are hard to rhyme with anyway. Do include her name somewhere, but like, once. Or if you must, in the chorus once is OK too. Sometimes, forgoing a chorus at all is kind of cool too, if it’s a good song.
5. Do not recycle this song with another girl. That’s just messed up. I can’t believe you even considered it, you jerk.
6. Keep it short. No matter how amazing your voice is, a 10 minute song gets awkward to listen to. Remember, she’s kind of just sitting there, and keeping a smile plastered on for more than a few minutes gets tiring. She’ll start to drift and it’ll definitely lessen the effect. She’ll also think you’re kind of a douche for writing such a long song.
So there’s this guy that broke your heart? And you need to let it out in an artistically releasing way? Well, sure! Write a song about the asshole. Believe me, it’ll totally make you feel better. Here’s how to write a sad/angry break up song:
1. Cry a little. You know you want to, so don’t be embarrassed. Make sure the piece of paper you plan to write your lyrics on is out, though. You’ll want it to be all tear stained, because that makes the process more legit.
2. Make sure you’re writing in black ink. That’s what artists use. Don’t use that pink gel pen, even if it smells nice and fruity. You’re mourning here, be a little serious!
3. Doodle artistically in the margins. It’ll compliment the tear stain effect.
4. Come up with some good lines. Be clever about your lyrics, because it’ll show how awesome and smart you are, and isn’t he just a loser for loosing you?! For example, don’t outright say his name. Disguise who exactly you’re talking about, and if you want, maybe even give him, or refer to him with, some embarrassing nickname. Carly Simon did it best with her little song: “You're so vain/ You probably think this song is about you/ You're so vain/ I'll bet you think this song is about you/ Don't you? Don't you?”
5. Don’t think you’re Alanis Morissette. She could pull off the angry “I hate you for life” type stuff, but honestly, it usually just comes off desperate. Be mellow. Slowly release that hate and anger, and you’ll come up with something that sounds a lot better, mature, and normal.
6. Sing it with emotion. That’s what’s going to make or break your song—how much you put into it. So put it all in. He was a sucky boyfriend anyway. ;)
Gage the situation, and eventually, ask her out. Preferably in person. This is scary, but it’s mainly for your benefit. I’m just watching out for you, man. You’re going to want to see her reaction, because you’ll be able to tell if it’s a green light, or a yellow.
…ARG, did you wimp out? Again?! Yeah, I know she’s cute, but hold it together man! OK, you can do it online if you must. Bring up a movie you want to see, or a restaurant you want to try. Ask her if she wants to go. If she says yes, be cautiously excited. She might just be nice, but she wouldn’t see you if she didn’t at least think you were an OK guy, so you’re pretty much in. (If you had asked in person, it would be easier to tell her level of interest, but it’s ok, I understand that there’s a reason you’re still single. OH I kid. You’re awesome. Don’t ever doubt yourself!)
If she says no, take a step back. If she says no, but seems like she’d be willing to go some other time, definitely go for it. Don’t think about it that much, just do it.
Be careful of how you phrase the asking out. The best thing to do online is make it a spontaneous, “Let’s go right now” type of thing. DON’T back her into a corner and ask “When are you free sometime this week so we can go to _____ together?” Doing things online gives her too much time to think, and sometimes… it’s better if she doesn’t have time to think too much.
Step 5: Recovery
At this point, you either got the date, or you didn’t. If you didn’t, she’s probably just not that into you. It’s up to you whether or not you want to continue the friendship.
If, however, you are a stubborn guy, perhaps, well maybe she’s just shy. This is not usually the case, so don’t push it too much, but if you really just HAVE to make sure…
Option 1: Ask her out in a group. Invite her to the bar with you and your friends. Or to a late night showing of a movie you were going to see anyway.
Option 2: Feeling bold? Yeah, you can ask her out again. If there’s another excuse though, with no suggestion of a reschedule, give it up.
Option 3: Study date. Strange that you haven’t asked her to do this before, if the circumstances fit. Just thought I’d throw it out there anyway.
Option 4: Be her friend. This pretty much ensures that you’re never going to get more than a “Aw, you’re an awesome friend!” Hug, but hey, you can dream big, and crazier things than friends hooking up have happened. Just don’t hold your breath. And if you do, be prepared to hold it for a while. Eventually you’ll start hanging out together, but as just friends. Damn. This is pretty much the worst option.
Step 6: Move on
So you tried a couple times, and you could keep trying, but don’t be an idiot. Find another cute girl. Stop seeing this one, even as a friend, if you’re not noticing any other cute girls. There are ALWAYS cute girls, and you are just blinded by your crush. Extract yourself from the situation, gently, because she’ll notice once you stop calling/texting/facebooking/whatever. And then you just come off like a bad friend.
Find someone else, and start all over. Isn’t dating fun?
Cynics say that dating is a numbers game. Don’t be a whore about it, but just know that for every girl your friend nicknamed Casanova banged, there’s a girl out there that rejected him.
Like a girl but not sure what to do? Here’s a sure fire way to find out whether she’s too hot for you or not!
Step 1: Make Contact
So there’s this girl, right? Yeah, she’s pretty cute. She’s making eye contact, laughing at your stupid jokes… score! Since this is the beginning, so you don’t want to fuck up. But don’t worry if you mess up a little, she doesn’t know you well enough to care yet. You still have time to make an impression, but for a good head start, you’re going to want to do this right!
If you want, you can go straight for the number. To do this, you must be fairly certain she’s interested. Sometimes it’s nice when a guy just asks, with no fake pretenses—just a simple, “Let’s go out, what’s your number?” (OK, maybe something a little more eloquent than that). But sometimes, it comes on a bit strong and girls like to be wooed. So at the very least get her screen name. At the VERY least, get her last name. So you can facebook (stalk) her.
Step 2: Chat it up
Let’s assume you do the facebook thing. Click “Add as friend” and you’re in! Look at her info and do a little background research. Hey, she likes that band too? Awesome. File that info away—don’t ever let it slip that you actually read her info, but now you have some fodder to cleverly sneak into a conversation. “Yeah, I was listening to the new ______ album last night. ….NO WAY! You like them too? My favorite song is ______” etc.
If she turned on her facebook chat, you got it easy peasy, my friend. Start a casual conversation (not gonna make it THAT easy and give you all the details!) and eventually get her AIM… because facebook chat sucks. If she’s not online, just leave a post on her wall. Make it short and simple, with an opening for her to say something back. “Hey it was nice meeting you!” is nice, but try to add something about the conversation you had, or make a joke, or ask a question, so she has more to say then “It was nice meeting you too! [You boring motherf—er] :)”
Step 3: Be there
So you met this girl in class. Or through a club. Or through a friend. Or on the bus. You’re facebook friends now, so you can start to be acquaintances in life. And you’re going to want to establish this face time if you can. If you can see her, do it. If you can’t, that’s why there’s instant messaging.
Now, this instant messaging business is not my cup of tea, but hey, that’s how people roll nowadays so I guess you can go this route. So be friendly in person, and even friendlier online. Hey, calm down, not TOO friendly, but just friendly enough. If you’re confident enough in your taste, send a few funny links. Entertain her, as if to say, “Hey I’m a fun guy! I’d be a fun date!”
Establish some rapport, and then let her know you’re interested in actually getting to know her. Ask her questions that make her think (not in a bookish way, but in an interesting and entertaining kind of way so you get an idea of what she likes to do, what she values, how she feels about certain things), and if you’re clever, questions that make her laugh. She will not laugh over sexually suggestive jokes. Do not attempt.
...TO BE CONTINUED (Tomorrow: taking the plunge, recovery, and moving on!)
UGHHHHH. What is all this FLAB?! OH GOSH those thunder thighs!! Time to start hitting that gym, girl! But the gym takes a lot of work. Here’s how to survive:
Step 1: Get an incentive
This is a tough one. First, you got to have a reason to go every day. Or every other day. Or AT LEAST once a week…. Unless it’s finals or midterms, then you just don’t have time, do you?! GIRL, DO I HAVE TO SLAP YOU ALREADY? Stop thinking like that.
Option 1: Gym buddy! This is the best option. Thus, it’s number one position. But you must make sure that this buddy is at the same commitment level as you. It doesn’t work if she could easily go or not go to the gym. She has to want to go as much as you do. It doesn’t work if she wants to work out for 5 hours, while you’re intensity level is like, 30 minutes every day.
Option 2: Make an AWESOME KICK ASS WORKOUT PLAYLIST on your iPod. And name it “AWESOME KICK ASS WORKOUT PLAYLIST” and fill it with energy pumping songs. NOTHING slow/mellow. Think mixes have to have highs and lows? NOPE. Just keep escalating the intensity of the songs. Trust me. That’s what makes it awesome.
Option 3: Make a chart. If you’re a practical type of gal, do an excel schedule. Make a list. Whatever you gotta do to keep track of your progress to keep you motivated.
Option 4: Find a cute guy at the gym. Be it a worker, or that guy that lifting weights, and time your workouts with them.
Option 5: Obviously, just do all 4 options, and you’ll be good to go.
Step 2: Look cute
No one REALLY looks amazing at the gym, but there’s no reason you can’t try to look as hot as you can.
First, pick a good outfit. Girls always go in oversized T-shirts that they got for free from some event, but I don’t know why when Target sells perfectly good fitted sports tops. Get some short shorts and a colorful sports bra. If it’s the summer, and you’re already pretty fit, just go for it and wear that sports bra with nothing else on top. Other girls will hate you, but who cares?
Second, do your hair. Obviously it’s going to be up, but definitely make it a high pony tail. It’s perky and looks like you put more effort into it, even though it really doesn’t take that much more effort at all. If you have bangs, don’t leave it hanging. It’s just going to get annoying, and does not look good when you’re sweating. Bobby pin it up. Don’t do a messy bun unless you want to look like you just rolled out of bed. You might as well just wear a T-shirt, too, you bum. Come on, try a little!
Third, put on some make up. Ok, people are going to be like, WHY are you going to the gym with make up on? And honestly, if they can tell you’ve put on makeup, that is too much! But contrary to what they say, a little makeup is totally ok, even necessary. Don’t bother with foundation or anything. You’re just going to sweat it off. Don’t bother with blush, you’ll get naturally flushed cheeks, duh. Eyeliner looks like you tried too much. Just put on mascara and lip gloss. Effortless beauty. You’re a natural. ;) Oh, and don’t forget your stud earrings. It’s the little things that make the difference!
Once you get to the gym, stretch. I personally think stretching is the most fun, but it’s also good for you. Flexibility= good (in bed!). This is pretty much the time when you can look the hottest, so take advantage and do it before and after every workout. Practice in front of a mirror beforehand to make sure you have the most flattering positions down.
Finally, pick a good machine. The bike really doesn’t show off your body at all. Go on the elliptical, or treadmill. If you want to lift weights, use the dumb bells. Try to work out in front of a mirror if possible so you can make sure you’re looking good. I mean, using the machine correctly.
Step 3: Show it off
Go out in a short skirt and tank top. Don’t worry about the scale, or how your jeans fit. Stand up straight and smile. You look so damn hot now.
I tend to get obsessive about things for a while, then get over it, and start to wonder what was wrong with me in the first place. Also, having no section for "Favorite TV Shows" makes absolutely no sense to me. That should tell you a lot right there.