Grocery Shopping 101

Sure, you should make a practical list of all those things you want to buy at the store, but where’s the fun in that?! This is how I like to shop for my groceries, and wow does that money go fast! =(

1. Show up hungry. This way, you can gage what grub you’re feeling the most. Impulse buys happen all the time, so there’s no need to feel guilty! People will think you’re lonely if you go in and out with a half empty cart, of sensible things like bread and hot pockets. Buy big bags of chips and cookies you know you’ll only eat half of, then forget about, and have to throw the rest away. Buy these, and look like a cool person throwing down some awesome party. And bonus, since you’re not actually throwing a party, you get to eat it all yourself!!!

2. Forget your shopping list at home. That way, you’ll be sure to forget something, probably what you were going to the store to get in the first place. It’s more interesting because then it leaves you with two options: either you make another trip to the store, and get to make even more impulse purchases! Or, you make do with what you have at home and get a little creative in the kitchen. Either way, you win. I’m not sure exactly how or why, but I do this a lot, so there must be something to it.

3. Buy brand names. People say it doesn’t really make a difference, but, my friend, IT TOTALLY DOES. Sure, it might taste the same. And how many ways can you really make lotion, or cotton balls? But YOU will know that you’re using some off-brand product, and why lower your standards like that? Come on, you know Honey Nut Cheerios are somehow way crunchier and honey-er than “Honey O’s.”

4. Buy things like pre-sliced meat and pre-packaged salad. It’s way more expensive, but it’ll cut your time in the kitchen by like, 30%. And they always say, Time is Money. Be smart about this. Make life a little easier for yourself.

5. Buy in bulk and on sale. So what if you don’t usually eat it? So what if you KNOW you can only eat one bag, but the sale is 3 for 4? If you get home and discover that, whoops, you really don’t want it after all, just give it away to your hungry friends. They’ll think you’re awesome, and that’ll totally make it worth the purchase. Because then you become the person with food all the time, and people will come over all the time, and…. Well, ok, that’d be kind of annoying. Don’t do this one too much. Just once in a while.

Looking Smart 101

Not everyone can be smart. Some light bulbs just come out of the factory dimmer then the others.

And those are the ones we throw away.

But ANYWAY, it’s fine if you’re not smart. You just need to have OTHER people think you’re smart. Here’s how you do it: (I’ll number it, so you dumb people can follow…)

1. Wear glasses. This is the most obvious thing. Ironically, if you were REALLY smart, you’d have contacts. But for some reason, glasses=smart in this world. I think it’s because of those movies. You know, the ones where the hot girl becomes the HOT girl once she takes off those HIDIOUS glasses. Hmm… on second thought, maybe don’t go for the glasses. They don’t flatter everyone. A good compromise might be reading glasses. Yeah, get reading glasses. They’re like $5 and the drugstore.

2. Carry a copy of Newsweek or Time or The Wallstreet Journal, or some other smart-seeming magazine. Any average Joe can read the newspaper; they write it at the level of 8th graders, after all. But a smarty-pants magazine? That’s special. Shows slightly more effort. It’s like, you don’t get enough CNN, you need to supplement your news with more in-depth stuff. You should get a subscription, and try to flash that little white box to strangers, so they know you “read” (you don’t actually have to read it, silly!) it every week.

3. Get a clean haircut. Something neat and simple. This will make you look more square and boring, but people will assume you are smart as well. Smart people know that presentable people are the ones that get ahead in life. If you’re not smart, but maybe at least cool, don’t be afraid of a dull haircut. Here’s what people will think of you: “Hmm… this person looks… kinda boring…. Wait, did he/she just make a funny joke? I am intrigued!” See? Wow them with your personality and change their first impression. BUT the fact that their first impression was of you being smart, well, that’ll always be subconsciously in their head anyway! WIN-WIN!

4. Use big words and reference obscure things. If you’re around other not-so-smart-people, you can get away with using fake words and references. Using fake words is also easier on you. Be like, “Yes, I agree that his move was completely suausnous! It’s all very Simon Becker of him.” No one will know what you’re talking about, but they’ll be too embarrassed to seem uncultured to call you out on it. If they do, just act incredulous, like, “YOU don’t know who SIMON BECKER is?” And then walk away. People will be stunned with just how smart you are because you are acting like a supreme douche. Smart people are almost always supreme douches.

Good luck wowing them at the next meet-and-greet!

Writing A Song 101

So there’s this girl you want to woo? And you’re just inspired to write a song? Well good for you! You’re such a player. But you can’t just write anything. It’s gotta be something good.

Here’s something good:
Coldplay: Yellow

Here’s something bad:
Nick Andopolis: Lady L

Here’s how to write YOUR song:
1. Have a good melody. Not great with the guitar? (And note: it must be a guitar. Unless you’re really good with a piano. That’s the only exception. And you must be really good.) Make it simple. Simple is better, anyway. It tricks the girl into thinking you’re cute and quirky. It’s more romantic for some reason. Plus, it’s just weird if you’re like, rocking out to some awesome rift you made up in the middle of your love song.

2. Come up with some clever lyrics. This is so duh, but have at least one memorable line in your song. Lucky you, lines always sound better when sung anyway.

3. Don’t be too needy. Coldplay can pull it off because they’re fucking Coldplay, but don’t be all, I CAN’T LIVE WITH OUT YOUUUUUUU in your song. Focus on how amazing she is. Make it a little personal. Make it all about her.

4. Do not make the focus of the song her name. It’s cheesy and awkward. And a lot of names are hard to rhyme with anyway. Do include her name somewhere, but like, once. Or if you must, in the chorus once is OK too. Sometimes, forgoing a chorus at all is kind of cool too, if it’s a good song.

5. Do not recycle this song with another girl. That’s just messed up. I can’t believe you even considered it, you jerk.

6. Keep it short. No matter how amazing your voice is, a 10 minute song gets awkward to listen to. Remember, she’s kind of just sitting there, and keeping a smile plastered on for more than a few minutes gets tiring. She’ll start to drift and it’ll definitely lessen the effect. She’ll also think you’re kind of a douche for writing such a long song.

******

So there’s this guy that broke your heart? And you need to let it out in an artistically releasing way? Well, sure! Write a song about the asshole. Believe me, it’ll totally make you feel better.
Here’s how to write a sad/angry break up song:

1. Cry a little. You know you want to, so don’t be embarrassed. Make sure the piece of paper you plan to write your lyrics on is out, though. You’ll want it to be all tear stained, because that makes the process more legit.

2. Make sure you’re writing in black ink. That’s what artists use. Don’t use that pink gel pen, even if it smells nice and fruity. You’re mourning here, be a little serious!

3. Doodle artistically in the margins. It’ll compliment the tear stain effect.

4. Come up with some good lines. Be clever about your lyrics, because it’ll show how awesome and smart you are, and isn’t he just a loser for loosing you?! For example, don’t outright say his name. Disguise who exactly you’re talking about, and if you want, maybe even give him, or refer to him with, some embarrassing nickname. Carly Simon did it best with her little song: “You're so vain/ You probably think this song is about you/ You're so vain/ I'll bet you think this song is about you/ Don't you? Don't you?”

5. Don’t think you’re Alanis Morissette. She could pull off the angry “I hate you for life” type stuff, but honestly, it usually just comes off desperate. Be mellow. Slowly release that hate and anger, and you’ll come up with something that sounds a lot better, mature, and normal.

6. Sing it with emotion. That’s what’s going to make or break your song—how much you put into it. So put it all in. He was a sucky boyfriend anyway. ;)

Dating 101 (Part 2)

Step 4: Take the plunge

Gage the situation, and eventually, ask her out. Preferably in person. This is scary, but it’s mainly for your benefit. I’m just watching out for you, man. You’re going to want to see her reaction, because you’ll be able to tell if it’s a green light, or a yellow.

…ARG, did you wimp out? Again?! Yeah, I know she’s cute, but hold it together man! OK, you can do it online if you must. Bring up a movie you want to see, or a restaurant you want to try. Ask her if she wants to go. If she says yes, be cautiously excited. She might just be nice, but she wouldn’t see you if she didn’t at least think you were an OK guy, so you’re pretty much in. (If you had asked in person, it would be easier to tell her level of interest, but it’s ok, I understand that there’s a reason you’re still single. OH I kid. You’re awesome. Don’t ever doubt yourself!)

If she says no, take a step back. If she says no, but seems like she’d be willing to go some other time, definitely go for it. Don’t think about it that much, just do it.

Be careful of how you phrase the asking out. The best thing to do online is make it a spontaneous, “Let’s go right now” type of thing. DON’T back her into a corner and ask “When are you free sometime this week so we can go to _____ together?” Doing things online gives her too much time to think, and sometimes… it’s better if she doesn’t have time to think too much.


Step 5: Recovery

At this point, you either got the date, or you didn’t. If you didn’t, she’s probably just not that into you. It’s up to you whether or not you want to continue the friendship.

If, however, you are a stubborn guy, perhaps, well maybe she’s just shy. This is not usually the case, so don’t push it too much, but if you really just HAVE to make sure…

Option 1: Ask her out in a group. Invite her to the bar with you and your friends. Or to a late night showing of a movie you were going to see anyway.

Option 2: Feeling bold? Yeah, you can ask her out again. If there’s another excuse though, with no suggestion of a reschedule, give it up.

Option 3: Study date. Strange that you haven’t asked her to do this before, if the circumstances fit. Just thought I’d throw it out there anyway.

Option 4: Be her friend. This pretty much ensures that you’re never going to get more than a “Aw, you’re an awesome friend!” Hug, but hey, you can dream big, and crazier things than friends hooking up have happened. Just don’t hold your breath. And if you do, be prepared to hold it for a while. Eventually you’ll start hanging out together, but as just friends. Damn. This is pretty much the worst option.


Step 6: Move on

So you tried a couple times, and you could keep trying, but don’t be an idiot. Find another cute girl. Stop seeing this one, even as a friend, if you’re not noticing any other cute girls. There are ALWAYS cute girls, and you are just blinded by your crush. Extract yourself from the situation, gently, because she’ll notice once you stop calling/texting/facebooking/whatever. And then you just come off like a bad friend.

Find someone else, and start all over. Isn’t dating fun?

Cynics say that dating is a numbers game. Don’t be a whore about it, but just know that for every girl your friend nicknamed Casanova banged, there’s a girl out there that rejected him.

Dating 101 (Part 1)

This one is for the guys:

Like a girl but not sure what to do? Here’s a sure fire way to find out whether she’s too hot for you or not!

Step 1: Make Contact

So there’s this girl, right? Yeah, she’s pretty cute. She’s making eye contact, laughing at your stupid jokes… score! Since this is the beginning, so you don’t want to fuck up. But don’t worry if you mess up a little, she doesn’t know you well enough to care yet. You still have time to make an impression, but for a good head start, you’re going to want to do this right!

If you want, you can go straight for the number. To do this, you must be fairly certain she’s interested. Sometimes it’s nice when a guy just asks, with no fake pretenses—just a simple, “Let’s go out, what’s your number?” (OK, maybe something a little more eloquent than that). But sometimes, it comes on a bit strong and girls like to be wooed. So at the very least get her screen name. At the VERY least, get her last name. So you can facebook (stalk) her.


Step 2: Chat it up

Let’s assume you do the facebook thing. Click “Add as friend” and you’re in! Look at her info and do a little background research. Hey, she likes that band too? Awesome. File that info away—don’t ever let it slip that you actually read her info, but now you have some fodder to cleverly sneak into a conversation. “Yeah, I was listening to the new ______ album last night. ….NO WAY! You like them too? My favorite song is ______” etc.

If she turned on her facebook chat, you got it easy peasy, my friend. Start a casual conversation (not gonna make it THAT easy and give you all the details!) and eventually get her AIM… because facebook chat sucks. If she’s not online, just leave a post on her wall. Make it short and simple, with an opening for her to say something back. “Hey it was nice meeting you!” is nice, but try to add something about the conversation you had, or make a joke, or ask a question, so she has more to say then “It was nice meeting you too! [You boring motherf—er] :)”


Step 3: Be there

So you met this girl in class. Or through a club. Or through a friend. Or on the bus. You’re facebook friends now, so you can start to be acquaintances in life. And you’re going to want to establish this face time if you can. If you can see her, do it. If you can’t, that’s why there’s instant messaging.

Now, this instant messaging business is not my cup of tea, but hey, that’s how people roll nowadays so I guess you can go this route. So be friendly in person, and even friendlier online. Hey, calm down, not TOO friendly, but just friendly enough. If you’re confident enough in your taste, send a few funny links. Entertain her, as if to say, “Hey I’m a fun guy! I’d be a fun date!”

Establish some rapport, and then let her know you’re interested in actually getting to know her. Ask her questions that make her think (not in a bookish way, but in an interesting and entertaining kind of way so you get an idea of what she likes to do, what she values, how she feels about certain things), and if you’re clever, questions that make her laugh. She will not laugh over sexually suggestive jokes. Do not attempt.

...TO BE CONTINUED (Tomorrow: taking the plunge, recovery, and moving on!)

Exercise 101

This one is for the girls:

UGHHHHH. What is all this FLAB?! OH GOSH those thunder thighs!! Time to start hitting that gym, girl! But the gym takes a lot of work. Here’s how to survive:

Step 1: Get an incentive

This is a tough one. First, you got to have a reason to go every day. Or every other day. Or AT LEAST once a week…. Unless it’s finals or midterms, then you just don’t have time, do you?!
GIRL, DO I HAVE TO SLAP YOU ALREADY? Stop thinking like that.

Option 1: Gym buddy! This is the best option. Thus, it’s number one position. But you must make sure that this buddy is at the same commitment level as you. It doesn’t work if she could easily go or not go to the gym. She has to want to go as much as you do. It doesn’t work if she wants to work out for 5 hours, while you’re intensity level is like, 30 minutes every day.

Option 2: Make an AWESOME KICK ASS WORKOUT PLAYLIST on your iPod. And name it “AWESOME KICK ASS WORKOUT PLAYLIST” and fill it with energy pumping songs. NOTHING slow/mellow. Think mixes have to have highs and lows? NOPE. Just keep escalating the intensity of the songs. Trust me. That’s what makes it awesome.

Option 3: Make a chart. If you’re a practical type of gal, do an excel schedule. Make a list. Whatever you gotta do to keep track of your progress to keep you motivated.

Option 4: Find a cute guy at the gym. Be it a worker, or that guy that lifting weights, and time your workouts with them.

Option 5: Obviously, just do all 4 options, and you’ll be good to go.


Step 2: Look cute

No one REALLY looks amazing at the gym, but there’s no reason you can’t try to look as hot as you can.

First, pick a good outfit. Girls always go in oversized T-shirts that they got for free from some event, but I don’t know why when Target sells perfectly good fitted sports tops. Get some short shorts and a colorful sports bra. If it’s the summer, and you’re already pretty fit, just go for it and wear that sports bra with nothing else on top. Other girls will hate you, but who cares?

Second, do your hair. Obviously it’s going to be up, but definitely make it a high pony tail. It’s perky and looks like you put more effort into it, even though it really doesn’t take that much more effort at all. If you have bangs, don’t leave it hanging. It’s just going to get annoying, and does not look good when you’re sweating. Bobby pin it up. Don’t do a messy bun unless you want to look like you just rolled out of bed. You might as well just wear a T-shirt, too, you bum. Come on, try a little!

Third, put on some make up. Ok, people are going to be like, WHY are you going to the gym with make up on? And honestly, if they can tell you’ve put on makeup, that is too much! But contrary to what they say, a little makeup is totally ok, even necessary. Don’t bother with foundation or anything. You’re just going to sweat it off. Don’t bother with blush, you’ll get naturally flushed cheeks, duh. Eyeliner looks like you tried too much. Just put on mascara and lip gloss. Effortless beauty. You’re a natural. ;) Oh, and don’t forget your stud earrings. It’s the little things that make the difference!

Once you get to the gym, stretch. I personally think stretching is the most fun, but it’s also good for you. Flexibility= good (in bed!). This is pretty much the time when you can look the hottest, so take advantage and do it before and after every workout. Practice in front of a mirror beforehand to make sure you have the most flattering positions down.

Finally, pick a good machine. The bike really doesn’t show off your body at all. Go on the elliptical, or treadmill. If you want to lift weights, use the dumb bells. Try to work out in front of a mirror if possible so you can make sure you’re looking good. I mean, using the machine correctly.


Step 3: Show it off

Go out in a short skirt and tank top. Don’t worry about the scale, or how your jeans fit. Stand up straight and smile. You look so damn hot now.