woefully uninspired

Hello August! The above is a picture of Forks, WA in celebration of a certain book that comes out today. So... I'll be working on finishing that today.

Anyway, I'm feeling completely uninspired to write lately. I was looking over my, uh, past writings, for possible topics to write about and here's something I wrote on July 12th:

God, tonight-- this whole day, actually-- I just feel like shit. I feel useless and directionless, and panicky about the future. I made that oath that I would start to "live for the moment," but that kind of thinking doesn't work when you actually want to be successful. Success takes planning. More importantly, it takes good execution; so while I'm stressing myself out constantly thinking about the future, making contingency plans, building myself up to succeed… what if in the end I'm just not meant to? The worst possible thing has happened to me: I’ve become ambitious. This is a problem as I am still devastatingly directionless.

I'm worried that my personality will hold me back. And your personality is the hardest thing to change about yourself. I’m too lazy, too introverted, lack conviction. I feel like I don’t instill a sense of trust in people. I tend to lose my “fire” over time, where, after fighting for something for so long, I begin to doubt if what I’m fighting for is worth it. I'm worried that I can just become complacent and stop wanting things out of life, and therefore never get... anything. I’ll never get anywhere. When none of your dreams have ever come true, maybe it's best just to stop dreaming.

And looking back on it, I'm glad to say I now feel completely disconnected from all those feelings I put into that past entry. Or maybe it just means I'm not a very good writer since I can't manage to convey the amount of anxiety i was feeling at the time. But anyway, my point is, that I actually woke up yesterday and thought, "I really love life." That was literally the first thought in my head. Strange, because nothing that great is even happening to me, and there are still some quite suck-tastic aspects of it, but overall, I'm staying pretty... cheerful.

Yay.

Of course, I haven't lost my cynicism completely since I now see why so many writers chose to be of the tortured-soul variety. Being cheerful all the time makes writing seem like somewhat of a chore.